Blue Shoes on Blencathra

Blencathra is one of the two most northerly mountains of any significant size in the English Lake District. It lies to the east and marginally south of Skiddaw, the third highest mountain in England and it's probably the hill I've pee'd on more than any other in the British Isles.

I should take a moment to explain a habit of mine - that of referring to mountains as hills and just occasionally, vice versa. The Shorter Oxford dictionary sheds just a little light on this distinction. Apparently a hill is a small mountain and perhaps not surprisingly therefore, a mountain is a large hill. Well that helped, didn't it?

Wikipedia starts off well:

"The distinction between a hill and a mountain is unclear and largely subjective, but a hill is generally somewhat lower and less steep than a mountain."

but then adds much confusion:

"In the United Kingdom it is popularly believed that the Ordnance Survey defines a 'mountain' as a peak greater than 1000 feet (305 meters) above sea level, a belief which forms the basis of the film The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain"

I wonder if there's a polite phrase for "what a load of nonsense", perhaps one that I could easily retract should anyone wish to defend this 'belief' with a pitch fork?

Wikipedia also says:

"The Oxford English Dictionary, by contrast, suggests a limit of 2000 ft (610 m)."

Eh, okay, look, that's not in my 2 volume Shorter Oxford Dictionary. Maybe it's in the full 20 volume set but I can't afford that and it's really quite a heavy thing to lug around, so unless you happen to have it handy to disprove me, I'm going to state that any such definition is plainly pants!

Wikipedia does tell us:

"Mountains in Scotland are frequently referred to as "hills" no matter what their height, as reflected in names such as the Cuillin Hills and the Torridon Hills"

Now this is absolutely true and at the risk of making you dizzy by circling back to the Shorter Oxford definition, it's because mountains are big and hills are small. So Everest is a mountain and Ben Nevis, the highest piece of rock in the British Isles is nothing more than a wee hill. Simple, isn't it?

I'm sure you'll be relieved to have that ambiguity cleared up! Now, where was I ... oh, yes, pee'ing on Blencathra. Well it's just that I've been up there so often, you see. On busy climbing club meets it would be the last hill visited at the end of a weekend in the Lakes, a quick up and down on the way back to the motorway and the long minibus drive back to London. Several times recently, it has provided a quick piece of exercise while travelling up and down the country's M6 backbone, being as it is only 40 minutes legal drive along the A66.

photo by Andrew Pescod

Once I even climbed it in a pair of blue, soft leather casual shoes (not suede no, and I can't sing like Elvis either). Now before being sued, I must state that you should never do this yourself, quite irresponsible. When on British mountains, always wear the proper equipment: sturdy boots, waterproofs and of course a large, noisy cowbell around your neck.

It was during a drive from deepest, darkest North Wales, to Scotland and I really needed some exercise. My accelerator pedal foot had cramp and I needed a pee badly. Of course, Blencathra was the obvious solution to both problems. Having made the 40 minute drive, parked the car, sorted out my rucksack, I realised I'd forgotten my scrambling boots. Darn it! After a few minutes deliberation - I was here now, weather was excellent, how could I not go up my favourite hill? I mean, there he was, waiting for me like an old friend. "Acht, I'll just have tae see how far I can get in these", I thought.

There were a couple of muddy sections on the lower hill-foot path. These I avoided by several spectacular, goat like leaps, and a very conveniently placed fence. The initial steep grass of the ascent itself, in this case, Halls Fell Ridge, was pretty straightforward as it was dry, but the upper rocky and spiky sections were a bit more painful, seeing as my soles were thin and quite soft. At the top, I sat for a few minutes with a bite to eat while nursing bruised feet, then headed off down Scales Fell. Unfortunately the grass on the way down, was quite damp and I found that soft, flat soles had a tendency to act like a skateboard on this surface. The descent therefore involved a very muddy and wet bum, quite a lot of, "whey-eeeey-thud" noises and the odd "splosh". The aim however was achieved. I no longer had cramp in my right foot, and I'd relieved myself twice, adding therefore to my cumulative score and ensuring no lack of flow for the local bottled spring water.

Blencathra shares an almost 10 square mile hinterland with Skiddaw and also has several other delights which I haven't touched on here. One of these is Sharp Edge, an entertaining but straightforward little rocky scramble above a beautiful pool of water called Scales Tarn. I hope to provide a small and hopefully photographic description of that little gem at some future point. However I hope this little taster has tempted you to explore what really is one of the finest and most conveniently situated hills in the Northern Lakes.

Listening to: Led Zeppelin, "Misty Mountain Hop"
Feeling: relieved

Note: hillwalking, climbing and mountaineering are activities with a danger of personal injury or death. Participants in these activities should be aware of and accept these risks and be responsible for their own actions and involvement.